So it starts. I feel like this is the year I need to really try to grow up. Scary. And Exciting. I want to get involved. I want to speak up in class. I want to "become".  This is my last chance to do anything I hoped to do in college. More importantly this is my last chace to BE anything I wanted to be in college. I want to be a lighthouse for my faith, no longer so nervous about how I appear, instead being concerned for the spiritual well-being of others. I want to be less judgemental of others while trying harder to be blameless myself (note the "trying" ... only Jesus is blameless of course)  I want to love deeper and laugh louder.  And I also want to learn how to get up after falling and dust myself off and try again.  I don't want to give up and feel like a failure because I dont' get to my goal all at once.  It's a really hard thing for my perfectionist (but lazy) self, but it's so, so important.

I've really had some struggles this last year. I gained the weight to prove it. My relationship with Christ has been up and down, but I do feel like ultimately if you were to even it out, my relationship with Him has really grown alot.  Despite my times of complacency over this last year I feel that my love for him has grown stronger.  I had to grow up and forgive someone I didn't think I would ever forgive.  But I did. I learned pray for people who treated me unpleasantly/dishonestly (and not for bad things to happen to them either *grin*)  In the middle of problems with them during the day Jesus helped me find the love and maturity to pray for them that they would find Him.  I'm not sharing this to praise myself in anyway. I slipped and stumbled and wished alot of bad on them all summer.  But...when I went to Him truely, Jesus put the ability to pray for them in my heart.  And for me to see that kind of change in myself is a real testament to who God's power.

I got a chance to spend good, quality time with my mom this summer. We have really started to move our mother/daughter relationship to one that also includes being friends and really liking to be around eachother. We always have liked doing some things together...but, I don't know, this summer there was a new level of respect and closeness. She came down for a week this summer to hang out with me and we did some shopping (ok, a lot of shopping) and went hiking in Arkansas one day and some craft projects together. 

Other than the aforementioned emotional changes in my life I can't think of any others. I am still single and am hoping that God has someone for me.  And I know that if He does, this person will be amazing, so I am praying for me each night and trying to work on being the kind of girl an amazing guy deserves. But, until then I am trying to use this time in my life to focus on God and school and my family and friends...and "Becoming"...

I thought I would share my favorite Lord Byron poem...I love the backstory: His cousin itwas I believe was being gossiped about by old ladies a ball because she had a few jewels sewn unto her black mourning dress.  She was very young, had barely known her husband (who had died, thus the mourning dress), and it had been a year since the death.  He is writing this to defend her and rebuke them for her harshness when she was of such a sweet, pure spirit.  Other aspects of he was was not exactly favorable, but this poem is sweet.

CLXXIII. "She walks in beauty, like the night"

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light	5
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face,	10
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,	15
But tell of days in goodness spent,—
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

So, I think I one of the most awesome Spring Breaks that anyone has ever had...but that's just me!  I went to Matamoros, Mexico with CCF.  It was just a beautiful, wonderful place.  Not canopy  beds, massages, long, hot showers kind of beautiful, wonderful; far from that.  It's the kind of place, the kind of trip that makes one (at least me!) feel so alive and joyful.  I got to paint, mow, and....WORK WITH KIDS AT VBS!!!!  Heck yes!  There were so many amazing opportunites to connect with the people of Mexico and with the other members of CCF.  It was so wonderful to strengthen friendships and make new ones.  We wanted to stay SO much longer than what we could. Air mattresses and cold showers and all...

But, I think one of the best things about it was that I feel that my life calling from God became more apparent. I believe (and have on and off-more likely ignoring God than anything- since 10th grade) that God is calling me to Missions somewhere in Central or South America.  The place itself really called to my heart as I talked to the people (in VERY broken Spanish).  I also felt called through the talks about missions that I had with Andrea and Lindsey.  When I think about passion, I think of helping children in Spanish-speaking countries.

There are so many problems in my path...like that I need to learn Spanish and that I need to most likely go to Bible School...and that I have to find a missions organization to send me...etc... But if God is calling me, then He will assist me....

"Home to me is by your side
Take the wheel, I`m along for the ride
I tried to be brave, but I guess I lied
When I said I was fine without you

I don`t need to make future plans
As long as you just hold my hand
I want you to know I understand,
I`m patient,
I don`t doubt you

I`ll go anywhere anytime
I`ll go anywhere anytime
I`ll go anywhere anytime
With you, with you"  ~Sara Melson